Losing my three children, loving my three teenagers

I had a huge revelation on my recent visit to Australia. I had lost my three children. As I walked along the beach, I started to become overwhelmed with emotion as I thought about the most beautiful, close, loving and connected times I had spent with my children when they were all so small.

I suddenly longed to be holding baby Caspar in my arms wearing this thick grey cardigan I used to wear all the time as it covered up my mummy tummy and kept me feeling warm.

I wanted to see Xavier with his huge smile laughing at me pulling silly faces.

I wanted to see Emily with her cute teddy bear ears hairstyle, sucking her fingers and chatting away.

I saw these children in my mind. I could even hear them but then I realised they were gone.

They no longer existed.

There was no trace of them anymore.

It could have been as if there were never here.

My heart started to break for those beautiful simple days of connection, cuddles and love. The days when I said, “Hey guys to you want to do XXXXX with me?” and no matter what it was I always got a yes. I was the leader of a gang of fun loving, wide eyed, beautiful babies. I loved it all.

Now I have three teenagers, who I love as much if not more than these children but I have had to let them grow and develop in their own way. Now they don’t want to play with me as much. I am certainly not as cool and when I ask what they want to do, I often get a blank. They are all confident and independent and I am so proud of them in every way. I love our relationship which is a mix of friendship and parenting. Arguments are few and far between and I love hearing about dates and driving lessons and the latest designer gear.

These are my new children. Changing and expanding everyday. And before I know it they will be full adults with their own lives that I know little about. It can’t be avoided and must be accepted. I am cool with it (honest). They have become the people they are because of the time we have shared together. I have so much gratitude for the early years we shared together in that little love bubble. It wasn’t so easy to have so many young children, but do you know what? I can’t remember anything “bad” about it at all.  Time has moved on and these thoughts are just memories and experiences that I can’t get back but the love we shared has been engrained on all of our lives and I feel we are all so much richer for it.

Love Gayle xx