I think one of the worst nights of my life was the one before I went back to work after maternity leave. I had managed to navigate the early days of being a mum with no tears until the night before work when I sobbed uncontrollably, did not sleep a wink and felt as if I was facing doomsday.
I just did not want to go. I did not want to leave Emily, my daughter. Motherhood was my greatest gift. I won the jackpot when I was handed my little girl. I honestly believe I had a complete life changing shift and in a moment everything made sense. I fell in love and suddenly felt as if I could do anything. This was totally unexpected to me especially having never held a baby before! Even as I went into birth I didn’t really even believe that a real baby was going to pop out of me. Weird and a bit crazy, I cant explain it but Emily was sent to me as a teacher and I was learning all the time.
I decided I would go back to work after 6 months maternity leave to;
- Avoid having to pay my maternity leave back
- See if I could handle being a lawyer and a mum
- To satisfy myself that when I left the law I could say I tried it gain and I was right, that it was not for me.
I did not last long! After 8 weeks I was desperate to be at home. My law firm were amazing and I could not fault them, letting me leave on time and pick the days I wanted to work part time. I had the opportunity for flexible work and a brilliant salary but I just could not do it. All the time I was at work, I was not with my girl. It was simple enough. Time was passing and I was missing out. I had to leave.
When I handed in my notice, I felt bad for a while. Like I was letting down the team. I had been given a great chance but I just could not sacrifice that time with Emily. My boss understood. He had children himself and so I think he knew the potential changes I would need to make if I stayed at the law firm.
The day I left, I literally ran out of the office with the biggest smile, the lightest sensation in my body and energy bubbling around me. I felt free. I actually punched the air as I left the office and I threw my old files and papers in the bin. Freedom! Owning my identity at last. I am a mother and I am proud. I had so much I wanted to do with Emily. I could not wait!
I have absolutely no regrets about leaving the 9-5 (or rather the 7-9pm) to be at home with my children. There was simply no other way for me. I felt it in my gut, in my heart, in my whole body. It was in this new space that I created for myself that I started my business and created all that I wanted. The practical reality of the decision was so much less money (35k to zero) but I gained swimming lessons, walking in the park, stories, first words and so much more. I am glad I handled the heartbreak to go back in. It was the best thing I could have done to show me how much I wanted to be out. Trust that it will all work out but if it feels wrong in your heart, don’t ignore those feelings. Life is about time, experience and connection so tune in and don’t be afraid to change it all up.
I hope this Inner Guidance Practice helps you. You can download it by clicking the link below;
Inner_Guidance_Practice_PDF.pdf
Much love
Gayle ♡